When pain becomes her
Felicity's story
I had never felt pain like it before. An ache so deep, it resonated in every part of my body and mind, rippling through my soul. I had experienced great loss in my life, and grief was profoundly sketched on my heart. I had lost my two greatest loves, and I was never the same after that. They took with them the biggest part of who I was. I felt my heart created a defence mechanism after years of sorrow had left me depleted and exhausted. I think it was a way of protecting myself from a complete loss of self.
I was seventeen years old when I met my greatest love. My friend Amanda needed help on a musical assignment for film school, and we went to visit her childhood friend. She introduced me to Daniel, whom she had known since primary school. He was a musician and the most beautiful human that I had ever seen. He was tall with long black hair; his skin was soft and pale. His eyes a deep ocean blue, and his voice was music to my ears. It was tender and calming, yet full of confidence. I believe the first moment we met, I felt a strong and meaningful connection between us. I was nervous and giddy around him. I would trip on my words and not know what to say. One glance into his eyes, and I would lose myself in a world of infinite desire and admiration. I can vividly remember the first hour we spent together. I could sense that he felt something special too. It was like I had known him from another time, and our meeting was just another of many encounters. I had never experienced anything like it before, or since. It was the most life-changing moment for both of us. Amanda and I sat in his room while he explained to us what he would do to help with the musical project. He sat close to us, and with the most gentle demeanour expressed his opinions. “Would you girls like a cup of tea? It's getting cold, and we can take a break and chat” he asked. “I would love one, thank you” I replied. He looked straight into my eyes and said. “Wow, you have the wildest eyes I have ever seen. It's like they see through me”. Amanda turned to me and smiled. When Daniel left the room, she held my hand tight. Amanda was one of those really special girls that had mastered the art of intuition. “Oh my gosh. Felicity, I think Daniel likes you. That's crazy. I've never seen him act like that around any girl. Talk about making an impression. Oh your so damn lucky! He's gorgeous. All my friends want to be with him, but he never takes any notice of them”, she said excitedly. “No, your just imagining things. I don't think he likes me. He's just kind and polite”, I replied nervously. “Felicity. He's twenty years old. I don't think he would look at you in that way just to be kind and polite. Something is happening between you two, and it's powerful”, she said with a cheeky grin. Daniel came into the room with a tray filled with cups of tea and chocolate digestives, my favourite biscuits. He sat very close to me and offered me a cup of tea. As he passed it, he delicately placed his hand over mine for a few seconds. “Be careful, Felicity, it's hot”, he said with worry. I have always remembered that very first touch. It felt like I had finally reached my destination. It was overwhelming yet so right. I looked into his eyes for as long as that moment lasted, and I was completely lost in them. I knew then that those were the eyes I would look at for the rest of my life. Don't ask me how I knew. All I can say is that I was experiencing real love for the first time. Daniel sat close to me all the time I was there. He didn't say much; he didn't have to. I could sense what he was feeling without words. We were both connected and interlaced. I don't know how, but that moment changed me. It changed both of us forever. Sometimes we believe that destiny is an airy concept, but on that day, I had changed my mind. There had to be magic beyond the walls of normality. I was living it, and I could testify that it was true.
It was time to leave, and Daniel offered to walk us to the nearest bus stop. He walked so close to me; our hands always touched. The cold wind would embrace me, but I could feel Daniel’s warmth. He asked me if I wanted his coat about six times, and was constantly worried about me. He was the kindest man I had ever met, and the years by his side only proved that more. It was time to say goodbye. Amanda took me by the arm and brought me closer to her. “Go and give Daniel a hug”, she whispered. I looked at Daniel, and the first thing he did was open up his arms to me. “Come here”, he said with a shy voice. I ran into his arms and lay my head on his shoulders. I felt that I wanted to stay there forever. “He held me close, and for a few minutes, there was absolute silence. I could feel his heart beating fast. Then he whispered. “I have found the love of my life, and she's right here in my arms. I will never let you go, and I will love you for as long as you allow me to,”. I took a few steps back and smiled in disbelief. I didn't say anything. I just looked at him with loving eyes. Everything that was happening was overpowering and surreal. I really didn't know how to respond to it all, but I was certain of one thing. I knew that I would never let him go.
Daniel and I became a couple. We were inseparable and utterly in love. Being without each other felt empty and mundane. He made my world magical and complete. I liked everything about him, and he inspired me to be a better person. His passion and drive influenced me in many ways. I became stronger and self-confident. Daniel believed in me. We believed in each other and felt that anything was possible. He never hurt me, not once. His love was pure and honest. There was no room for doubt. I felt so safe in his arms and trusted him more than any other person. If the stories of soulmates were true, then I was experiencing the closest thing to it, and it felt like heaven.
Daniel asked me to marry him on my 18th birthday on June 5th. He took me for a long walk along to our favourite park and got down on one knee. He looked at me with eyes that spoke of promise. “I have loved you since the day we met. You are half of my soul and all of my life. I will always protect and support you. My darling Felicity, will you marry me?”, he said. I jumped into his arms and said yes before he could even put the ring on my finger. “Of course, I will marry you. Without hesitation”, I replied.
For the next six years, we were the happiest people. We bought our first little house close to town. Daniel worked as a concert pianist, and I was an art teacher at the local school. We were young, passionate, and so in love. I felt that life had given me an easy ride. Meeting Daniel so young and marrying him was the best thing that happened to me. We spent every single weekend having fun and being around friends. Sometimes we would drive as far as we could and stay the night in a city we had never visited before. Daniel was fun, adventurous and made me laugh so much. He made the most of every day, and always told me how much he loved me. Our mutual passion was cinema, and we would watch old Chaplin movies tucked up in bed on a Sunday morning. He would make my favourite breakfast, Nutella pancakes. He would always hide a note under my plate and make me feel beautiful and loved. That morning it read “When the last star fades away. I will be underneath the veil, holding your hand and treasuring your heart”. It brought a tear to my eye. He always knew how to make me happy and give me the best kind of love.
Four years later, we began trying for a baby; I was 22 and felt ready to be a mum. The first year we were unsuccessful, but it didn't dampen our spirits. We had hope that it would all work out. After another year we began to question whether we needed to see a doctor, but Daniel insisted we should wait. We eventually returned to our daily routine and decided we would keep on trying without any of the added pressures. “I know we will have a baby one day. You have to trust me on this one. I don't know when, but I know it will happen. I see her in my dreams, and she's the most beautiful little girl”, he would always say.
The next chapter of my life is one that I find difficult to describe. At such a young age, I had achieved most of my dreams. I had married the love of my life. I lived in a beautiful house and had begun a wonderful career in a job that I loved. All the dreams that I had built and the efforts I made to get there had no significance in the coming months and events. Everything had suddenly lost all meaning, and it felt like I was living oblivious to my own existence. This part of my life was filled with endless pain.
One morning, Daniel left for work in a rush. He was never late and wanted to get there in time. On that day he didn't turn around to tell me that he loved me like he always did. He grabbed his bike and quickly left. At that moment, I felt strange. I don't know why, but it was like a part of me had gone missing, and I didn't feel whole. I was going to be 24 years old in two weeks, and we were going to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary, but that day was never to come. I cannot begin to describe the ache in my heart. It felt hollow and alone.
Daniel was hit by a truck on his way to work, and never returned home. The news hit me with a pain so deep it was as if I was dying of sorrow. I couldn't breathe, move, or think straight. Everything happened so quickly. I rushed to the hospital to be by his side. He was connected to so many tubes, and his beautiful face was bruised. I sat by his bed for as long as I can remember and held his hand in mine. The doctors told me that his injuries were life-threatening, and there wasn't much that they could do. Daniel would be in and out of consciousness for the next three days. They gave him so much for the pain that he could hardly speak. I had hope that he would pull through and be strong enough to recover from his injuries, but he never did. On the third day, he managed to open his eyes. He looked at me with such love. He gathered all of his strength to whisper that he loved me. “You will forever be the one. I love you,” he said as a single tear ran down his face. I gently kissed his forehead, and before I had a chance to reply, he was gone. He was 27.
Two weeks after his passing, I discovered I was pregnant. I never got a chance to tell him, but deep in my heart, I think he knew before me. Eight and half months later, our daughter Lilly Rose was born. She looked just like her father. She was beautiful. I lived with grief for a very long time. I got used to the pain and heartache; it never went away. It was always present, and at times, would overpower me. Lilly became my rock and my reason to fight. I had to put her needs before mine, and my heart needed to be strong so that I could give her the best life. Throughout the years, we had amazing moments and built beautiful memories together. She was my entire world, and every part of her was like her father. I could see Daniel in her every day, and it warmed my soul. She was driven, stubborn, and very artistic. She loved music more than anything and played the piano since she was three. Her love was like spring, always blooming and wonderful. She made me a mother, and I learnt to love life again because of her. I began to see the world through her eyes, and it gave me hope. After many years my heart began to feel at peace and to experience joy again. Daniel was always present in my thoughts, but a part of me had to let go in order to give my all to our daughter.
My daughter lived with me until she was twenty-seven. She worked as a lawyer up until she married. She had her first child at thirty; a boy named Samuel. He was the love of my life. The loveliest grandson I could have hoped for. When she became pregnant with her second child, she was going through a very stressful time. Her husband left her without warning, and she was devastated. She came back home to live with me and fell into depression. I never understood why her husband left. His name was Eric, and they were married for fifteen years before they separated. Lilly never saw him again. He avoided all contact and responsibility. Samuel was saddened by it all and became quite introspective. I had to be strong for all of them. I knew what it was like to feel alone, and my daughter and grandson became my priority. Even though my health had deteriorated, I was willing to fight for them. Grief had never left me. The moment I lost my husband, the pain took hold of me, but life would bring me even more sadness and loss. More than I could stand. I never understood why it had dealt me such sorrow. The last few years had brought me so much happiness, yet now it would take it all away once again.
My daughter Lilly Rose passed away giving birth to my granddaughter Eloise. She suffered a cardiac arrest and never woke up. She died on my birthday, June 5th. Doctors did everything they could to save her, but they were unsuccessful. She was forty-two years old and the love of my life. Her baby girl was the most beautiful little thing, and she never got to meet her mother. I will never get over my daughters passing. This kind of pain was different. It was as if a part of me had died with her. A big part of Daniel had gone with her too. All of my strength had been taken away. I was lost and completely shattered, but in between all of the grief, there was still a shining light. Samuel and Eloise became my hope. Samuel took care of his sister with all of his heart. I could see that he had been broken by his mothers passing, but he battled through to take care of Eloise. He would feed her and change her nappies. Cuddle her and put her to sleep. He would play with her and tell her he loved her every day. Lilly would have been so proud of him. My health wasn't good, so Samuel had to help a lot around the house. We took it a day at a time. Sometimes he would cry uncontrollably in my arms and tell me how much he missed his mum. I would hold him close and give him whatever strength I could. Other days he would laugh and play with his sister, and be a child again. They became my world, and I became theirs. We looked out for each other and took care of one another. Grief was always present in Samuel and me, but Eloise would always put a smile on our face and warm our hearts with love. She would light up every room in the house only with her presence. It was joyful and peaceful. Without them, I would have lost myself forever. They gave me back my life and brought me joy.
Life took away from me my two greatest loves, but it also left me with another two to fight for. I came to accept my loss and to face the pain that I had suffered for so many years. I knew I would live my entire life held by grief, and I had come to acknowledge that, but I was also going to fight again. Fight for my grandchildren and their happiness. I wasn't going to allow for anything to hurt them. For as long as I could, I was going to make them happy, and show them the best part of me. Daniel was taking care of Lilly now. The daughter he never got to meet. Deep down, this gave me comfort. Lilly was in her father's arms, and I loved them from afar. I would never stop loving them. Not for one second. They were always present in our lives. Even though I had lost them both, I felt happy to know how much I had loved and been loved in return.
