Under the Light of Stars
Nothing can prepare you for losing someone you love. The idea that life can suddenly strip away the most precious thing you have makes you both confused and terrified. It is a feeling that leaves you utterly exhausted and lost in thought, sometimes unable to grasp the reality of events. Time becomes an insignificant concept that you have no interest in acknowledging. The sky paints a constant shade of grey, and life becomes worthless and pointless.
Getting up in the morning is the hardest thing. Acting normal becomes torturous, for every emotion is tuned to a breaking heart. Everything reminds you of the person you love, every memory occupying your mind. It is like watching a sad movie that never ends. You can't ignore it. There is a constant fear in your head that plays with you. Sometimes you wake up and believe it was all a bad dream; then quickly realise it's not, and this repetitive cycle tears you apart.
Doing simple things are the hardest. Just getting out of bed is exhausting, and reminding yourself to live is soul-destroying. Nothing makes sense when death takes away everything you had. The environment turns into a surreal painting where you are an observer not wanting to take part. Pain becomes a comforting ally amongst the darkest of days. You discover there are worse things. The absence of self is one of them. Wanting to forget who you are so you can breathe a little and pretend for a moment that what you’re living is a lie.
To lose someone you love is a very lonely experience. No one can understand the level of your sorrow or the intensity of your anguish. No one can relate to how you feel. People can comfort you with words and affection, but they can never see the destruction of your inner world. One that turns to rubble and ceases to believe in anything good. It is a desolate place that only knows of suffering and unhappiness. A constant wheel of grief that spins with every beat of your shattered heart.
Then one day, in the deep of night, something begins to heal. I remember the moment I felt connected to the person I had lost. I was lying in my garden, with tears running down my face. I looked up at the starry sky and felt at peace for the first time. I didn't ask myself why I felt that way, but my heart was tranquil and strangely hopeful. I was under the light of stars, and I could see the brightest of lights amongst the darkness. I felt at one with the universe, and a sense of belonging overwhelmed me. For a brief moment, my mind focused on the idea that nothing ever dies; it carries on living in another form. That there is a reason for everything and that the purpose of life is to grow, learn, and overcome. I needed to believe in this to start living again. I desperately wanted this to be true, so I put my faith in the idea. Looking back, I think it's what saved me from losing it all.
I have never been a religious person but have always believed that we are all connected and aligned to different paths. I understood that life may take away all that you love, but it will also allow you to find peace with yourself. A harrowing journey of grief makes you discover your strength, courage and resilience. It forces you to pick yourself up from the debris of your soul and fight to discover your abilities to cope. Little by little, you begin to see the light, and even though the pain never leaves, it changes its shape over time.
