Toxic love
The fear of letting go
The Oxford English Dictionary defines love as an intense feeling of romantic attachment based on an attraction felt by one person for another. An intense liking and concern, typically combined with sexual passion.
To me, love is everything. It is the answer to all questions of the heart and soul, capturing the very essence of happiness.
Love doesn’t have to be perfect in any way. Even if it tried to be, it would fail miserably. The purpose of love is to embrace and adore another person’s imperfections and to accept the beauty in that.
“What is to love?”, asked the star. “It is to give your entire world without doubt or hesitation, just to see the light of joy in someone else’s eyes”, whispered the moon.
Life is a series of events that allows people to experience a world of emotions. These emotions build the very essence of who we become. As time guides us through the journey of self-discovery, we form meaningful and profound attachments. As babies, our parents are the first example of nurturing and unconditional love. They become our only connection with the outside world and protect us from harm. As we grow older, relationships become more complex, and we understand how significant our roles are. We get to be granddaughters, daughters, sisters, mothers, wives and friends forming lifelong bonds with those closest to us. Family love should be stable and secure, our comfort zone in times of trouble. A place where we always feel safe and protected, but life doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, families fall apart. Through challenging times we still manage to settle enough of our differences to shelter our loved ones. In the end, the force of love is always present, whether it is there to create a trust or to heal a broken heart. It gives us the strength to overcome life’s obstacles and deal with turbulent moments.
When it comes to love, there is no right or wrong answer, especially when it’s the romantic kind. Everyone wants to be loved and feel accepted. Relationships aren’t easy, and tolerating each other’s differences takes patience and time. Some people find the love of their life at a very young age and have long happy marriages. Others go from one relationship to the next, always searching for something they never find. That’s why love is a journey of many ups and downs. We are all ultimately looking for a love that is honest, passionate, and giving, but the reality can often be the opposite of that.
I believe that self-love is the most important of all. The conviction that you deserve happiness must be your first port of call. When I was twenty-six, I met a man thirteen years older than me. He was an architect, and I was in my last year of medical school. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off straight away. He was charming and sweet and had a vast knowledge of the arts. The day we met there was a thunderstorm, and we were having dinner at my best friends house. Caroline was the most social person I have ever known. She lives to organize dinner parties and get-togethers with family and friends. We met at college and became inseparable after that. She got married young to a man that worships her and is very happy.
“Evelyn, I would like you to meet Marcus, he’s gorgeous and from what I gather single at the moment”, said Caroline, as she took my arm and led me to the kitchen. “I don’t think he’s my type. I never go for the sophisticated, good looking guys. They are always so full of themselves”, I replied. “Give him a chance. He designed a house for Steven, not long ago. He seems like a lovely person”, she added. “Ok, but don’t sit him next to me at the table, I would never forgive you. I will chat on my own time, no pressure”, I said.
I sat at the table quietly and was relieved that Caroline had noted my request.
Marcus would look from across the table; I could feel his eyes studying me. He had the most beautiful dark wavy hair and olive skin. He was tall and stocky, very manly. His eyes were ocean blue, and his voice was the reason I fell for him. I found it soothing, sexy and charming. He had a way about him that women found very alluring, and I wasn’t the exception.
When dinner was over, we had to change places for dessert, so that the table would rotate and guests had a chance to talk to everyone. I got to sit next to Marcus. Finally, Caroline had gotten her way.
“You’re Evelyn ?” he asked. “Yes, that’s right. I don’t think there are any other women with that name here tonight”, I answered. “I don’t think there is anyone as beautiful as you”, he said. The chemistry between us was instant. I could feel his energy. His voice was like music to my ears, and on that night, we spoke for hours. He made me feel like the prettiest girl in the room and was a real gentleman, kind and considerate.
After six weeks, we had moved in together. I was genuinely head over heels for Marcus, and I wanted us to build a life together. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, we would have our arguments, and sometimes get frustrated with each other. Then we would make up and be very affectionate again, like any other couple. As the weeks progressed and the everyday routine settled in, things began to change, and everything took a turn for the worse, completely shattering my heart.
Eight months after we had moved in together, I started to notice small changes in Marcus behaviour. They weren’t alarming, but I remember thinking it was out of the ordinary. Whenever I would go out, he would tell me that I couldn’t wear certain things because he didn’t believe they looked good on me. “Evelyn, I really don’t want you to wear that low cut top, it looks hideous, and certainly not for your age. You’re a grown woman and should start acting like one”, he would remark. It made me feel as if I was doing something wrong and hurting his feelings, so I would always go back and change because I knew it would make him happy. At first, I tried to ignore it, but he became more persistent over time, and I didn’t want to argue over petty things. He then began to call my attention because he would say I made the bed lazily and that I didn’t care about his flat looking nice. I tried putting the nasty comments at the back of my mind because I loved him and didn’t want to cause a scene. Sometimes I would get dinner ready and make his favourite pasta. After I had set the table, he would accuse me of lying. “Are you stupid?” he would ask. “Baby what’s wrong?. I don’t understand”, I would reply. I tried to come near him, but he refused. “Your cooking is disgusting, and so are you”, he remarked. I would leave and take the car. Drive as far away as possible, but then he would call me half an hour later, frantic with worry and regret. I was so hurt and felt so lonely. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. “Please, darling. I’m so sorry I hurt you, it was never my intention. I will make it up to you, I promise. Come home, my love, please”, he would plead. Every time he hurt me, he would beg me to come back, and for a while, he would act like the man I loved. Sweet, caring and supportive, but then he would flippantly change and become insulting and aggressive. I couldn’t do anything right, and my self-esteem had been deeply affected.
I felt I was to blame for his unhappiness. Maybe if I did everything correctly, he would treat me nicely and love me in the right way. At night he would cry in my arms and tell me I was the love of his life. Then the next morning, he would shout at me for putting too much sugar in his coffee. I was in a constant state of fear and walking on eggshells. I wanted to please him so much that I lost sight of who I was. I knew something had to give. I couldn’t go on like this much longer. It was a toxic relationship, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t make it better.
It was our first anniversary, and I didn’t feel like celebrating. Marcus took me to a beautiful restaurant, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore. I had been too damaged emotionally by his abusive behaviour. His words had torn into me, and my love for him had begun to change.
We sat at the table, and I didn’t feel like talking, he just looked at me and said nothing. Sitting there in complete silence felt uncomfortable and forced. It was our first anniversary, and yet everything was falling apart in that very moment. After a few hours, we headed back home. There was no point in staying any longer. I was tired and didn’t want to argue.
On our way back in the car, I sat in silence, wondering if Marcus had ever loved me. I felt tears running down my face. I looked out the window and thought about why it had all gotten so screwed up. I couldn’t see what I had done to hurt him.
We arrived home, and I walked in thinking he would hold me and say sorry, but he didn’t. Instead, he grabbed me by the hair and pushed me towards the wall with such force that I broke my nose. As I was trying to stand up and find my bearings, he turned to me and said, “You will never embarrass me like that again. How dare you act like such a stupid child”.
I knew at that moment that I had accepted a toxic love into my heart. I was in denial and didn’t want to believe that the man I loved could hurt me in such a profound way. I always hoped that he would change and realize that his actions and words were killing our love, but he never did. I was never enough and could do nothing to please him.
I took my things and slowly walked towards him. “I have loved you with everything, and all you have given me is the belief that I was never good enough”, I said with a broken voice. He didn’t respond. He just walked away.
I left that evening and never went back. I now know, it was the best decision I ever made. I finally chose to love myself first.
