The lessons I learnt from my abusive father.
Being strong through the eyes of a child.
Fathers are meant to love and nurture their children. They are the pillars of confidence and resilience in a child, preparing them for life's difficulties. Growing up, I never experienced any affection from my dad, which ultimately shattered my self-esteem. Everything I knew about him was alien to me, as I didn't feel an emotional attachment to the man. He was cold, bad-tempered and hurtful. His abusive words throughout my younger years created profound insecurities that took a long time to heal. I became a fragile soul because my father chose not to love me.
I remember being 5 years old and getting my first hair cut. I was so excited as my mother had allowed me to get a bob, which I really wanted. When I got home that day, my father took one look at me and said I looked like an ugly boy. This play of words had the power to darken my days. It made me feel incredibly sad as I thought my dad didn't care. That night I cried in my room until I fell asleep, and from there on, I never cut my hair that way again.
My father would reprimand me for little things such as leaving my toothpaste open or not making my bed properly. “You stupid girl. You can't do anything right; you’re worthless”, he would say. His voice was always stern and angry. I never spoke back at him, not because I didn't want to. I was just too afraid. As I pondered in my room, I would think about everything he said to me. His words were ingrained in my mind like a broken record. Stupid, worthless, ignorant, ugly, insignificant, sick, imbecile. These were some of the many I was addressed with. I remember one day looking them up in a dictionary to see if they meant something beautiful. I deeply wished that was the case, but my wish never came true. The more I discovered their meaning, the more I felt unloved. I realised early on that words had tremendous power. They could either build or destroy a person.
As the years passed, I became more aware of my father's abusive behaviour. My mother always wanted to intervene but could never defeat his actions. She tried so hard, but he was toxic and controlling, which was a war in itself. Constant fear and anxiety were navigating through me, and by the time I was 14, I was emotionally drained. I was suffering from depression and began to have suicidal thoughts. My father didn't care. His insults just became more intense. My tears and sadness were not of importance. I was a weak girl in his eyes, an embarrassment to his manly convictions.
I was seeing life through a dark lens, defining time with a debilitating state of mind. I didn't want to endure any more emotional abuse. I was too tired to fight it, but I knew I had to. Something inside me was trying to break free.
When I turned 16, my mother decided she had enough and asked my father for a divorce. We left the house that same night and never looked back. I felt liberated yet confused. I was so used to feeling sad and anxious; I didn't know how to deal with my new emotions.
Little by little, I began to put the pieces of my heart back together. After time and profound reflection, I finally realised the lessons I had learned from my father, which helped me let go of the pain.
My father taught me how not to love. He showed me that when you direct your anger and spite to those who don't deserve it, you become a shell of a person. Someone who directs their energy to hurt you doesn't deserve your time or attention, whoever that may be. I learnt to silence my fears with self-love. I began to tell myself that I was beautiful, worthy, smart and deserving of happiness. This gave me strength and soothed my heart. I began to believe it. Deep down, amongst all the rubble, I knew I was good enough.
Slowly I gained self-confidence, and happiness was an incredible bonus that accompanied my new mindset. My father showed me that mean words harbour pain and unhappiness, so I decided to use them to create a magical world filled with positivity and optimism. I did everything opposite to what he showed me. I made diamonds out of coal.
Hate became love. Stupid became smart. Ugly became beautiful. Weak became strong. Worthless became worthy. Ignorance became admiration.
My father taught me how not to be, how not to act, and how not to love. For that, I am grateful.
