A heavy heart of joy
When finding strength becomes your only choice
They say that life takes from you in waves and gives back in oceans. I don’t know if this is true, but I can tell you that when it takes, it breaks you in ways that I never knew existed.
My mother, Lilly Rose, passed away, giving birth to my baby sister. I was only twelve years old, and she was the only world I knew. My sister grew up without her, and I had to become the strength in her life. We went to live at my grandmother’s house since my dad had left my mother soon after she became pregnant with Eloise. I will never know my father’s reasons for leaving us, but that moment I promised myself that when I became a dad, I would never leave my children, no matter what.
The weeks that followed my mother’s death were unbearable. I had to take care of a baby, and I was just a child myself. My grandmother’s health was rapidly deteriorating, and I was the only one who could help. I remember having this overwhelming feeling of loss and missing my mum. I felt so lonely, and at times so afraid of the future. Only a year ago she was taking me to our favourite park and playing with me, holding me in her arms and telling me that I was her most favourite boy in the world. She was my everything, and I loved her so much. I could not believe that life had taken her away from me and left me here to deal with so much. My heart always felt broken, and I didn’t know how long I could stand it. I missed my mama, more than anything, and I yearned for her presence and affection. I lost her when she was thirty-four years old. She had her whole life ahead of her. I celebrated her birthday every year for as long as a I can remember.
I would look at baby Eloise and see my mothers face. They had striking similarities; this gave me immense comfort as my heart grew to love this baby girl more than anyone. Every day I would feed her and change her nappy. I would cuddle her when she was distressed and walk her in my arms until she fell asleep. She would smile at me with such love, and I would feel overwhelming moments of happiness. One that had been quite difficult to find amongst all the pain.
By the time Eloise was two, I had managed to set her into a good routine. I was her entire world, and she meant everything to me. My grandmother’s health had improved enough so that I could go to school in the morning and come back to take care of my sister. She was a good woman and had to deal with heartbreak too. She lost her only daughter, and I lost my mother. We protected each other even though we dealt with grief in different ways. “I’m so proud of the boy that you’ve become. You have taken care of this baby with immense responsibility. One day you will look back, and your heart will sing with joy”, she would tell me. “Oh, grandma, I don’t know if I will ever feel real joy again. Losing my mum destroyed me. You and Eloise are my world now, but my heart still feels broken”, I replied. “My beautiful boy, life is a journey that can sometimes take us to the deepest corners of our soul. In those desolate moments, you must always find the strength to carry on and shine. Your mother would be so proud of you right now. I love you so much, and I thank the stars every day that you are here with Eloise and me”, she said while fighting back the tears.
The years passed, and I became very focused and disciplined with the school. I aimed high to get the best grades and be an example to my family. I had two girls to take care of, and I wanted them to have the best possible life. My social circle growing up was non-existent. In my free time, I would play with Eloise and help my grandmother around the house. The years went by quickly, and soon we were celebrating my baby sister’s 6th birthday. The more she grew, the more I saw my mother in her, and this always gave me the strength to fight. By the time Eloise was seven years old, I was turning nineteen. I had gotten the highest grades in College and had applied to the most prestigious medical school. I wanted to become a cardiologist. My mother had died of cardiac arrest during childbirth, and ever since then, I have wanted to learn more about the human heart and all of its functions.
I got accepted into the best medical school in the country. The letter had come through the post, and I couldn’t believe it. I felt so overwhelmed. “Whats does it say?”, asked my nan excitedly. “Go on, open it, Sam. I want to know”, remarked Eloise. I sat at the table and nervously opened the envelope while my heart was racing. At that moment, I could feel my mothers presence. It’s as if she was sitting right there next to me. Dear Samuel, it read. I am pleased to inform you of your acceptance into the Oxford University School of Clinical Medicine. Before I had a chance to read anymore, Eloise jumped on me and gave me the biggest hug in the world. “You are going to be a doctor?” she asked. “Yes, baby girl. I am going to be a doctor and make you the proudest little sister ever. I will always take care of you I promise”, I replied.
Twelve years later, I finally became a Cardiologist. Looking back on my life, I realise how quickly I had to grow up. My mother’s death taught me valuable lessons. One is that no matter what, life moves on and we have to roll with it. Two, we find our strength in our darkest moments, but it’s the love that we carry in our hearts that keeps us going. Three, I believe the memories we make stay tuned to our existence forever, beyond the realms of conscience thought and unconditional love.
My mother left this world too early, but she left behind so much love that it empowered me to fight with great determination. I always lived with a heavy heart of sorrow. I know now that my heart can feel immense joy. Even though it still carries tremendous sadness.
I will love you forever, mum. I hope I made you proud.
